The Three-Times-Married Woman

Patriarchy is an old story in Indonesia family but does not mean it has left its society. The emancipation discourse has continuously spread but for me myself I am not sure whether majority of women are struggling on it for themselves and their daughters, or human - no matter their sexuality, are always a selfish creature with a high tendency of prioritizing pleasure over dignity. In a patriarchal society like Indonesia, you may easily find women who are submissive to men (yes, plural) and easily  be destroyed by the game the men play. In this post, let's talk about a woman that I recently met. She has married for the 3rd time this January. 

In short, right a week before her 3rd married, one of her friend (has known her quiet awhile) reminded her about her divorce decree with her first husband. She, until now, does not hold the court decree. She was divorced through verbal statement and a divorce letter from her husband.  It is still a mystery how the local department can issue her marriage certificate with the 2nd husband although she does not have the divorce decree back then. She further explained that her 1st ex-husband allowed her to marry the second husband if she agreed to sign an agreement. This agreement stated that one day she will give up their only child to his custody. 

Her friend reminded her to settle all the things first; get official divorce decree from the first husband and win child custody at court. At the first time she was sure enough that she wanted to do all that, but she then started making excuses later in the discussion. At the end, she stuck on her plan, marrying the 3rd guy without doing any of her friend advice.

Question crossed my mind.

- Why is she doing this? Married and divorce without really concerning legality. 

- Isn't it bad if later her husband take her son? Is she love her son or not?

- What is in her mind? is it because she just cannot control her desire to have a new husband?

- Is it simply because she does not want to take this seriously because she has ever get away from this once?

- Or she keeps a secret that makes her must marry the 3rd guy soon?

And... I also ask myself 

Why am I so care about this?

Why is it so bothering me?

Is it because I concern about her?

or is it because I am too aware of woman emancipation and translate her decision as a setback that I can hardly accept?

Then, I think I just have to let it go and be happy for her for having a new family and start a new life. That's what friend are for. 

But if I may share my perspective, I would say

1. Women is complex. In our society, women must have strong reluctance. When woman has make a decision related to somebody else, especially that involved the family, the woman will be so reluctant to chance it especially if the family is happy about the choice. So in this case, after the whole family was there in her engagement day, and knowing when the procession will be conducted, the woman will not have a heart to even propose a delay of the wedding day to take care of the legal documents. 

2. The women is not in the capacity of worrying what I worried. Maybe she know less, hence she worry less. She know the definition of emancipation but she is going to work for money and never think of emancipation. It seems to me she never think of women's right, children's right or how cruel a human being is one day till it can take her son from her. The woman was under a believe that life will simply be good enough when there is a husband beside her, no matter what kind of problem it can bring to her life. 

I do want to say that it is because of her ego. But  education must also put a hand on this. Here in our society, if you only went to school up to senior high school, you would be thought as if right is like a wish list of tertiary stuff for yourself. Do not need to understand why you need that, get it if you can or just forget if you cannot. Most of the time it is treated merely as exam material, not an important discourse that is should be address seriously. The result? You know a few of your right and do not even ever think of "how to get it or when I can say that my right is violated?". It is worsen by the fact that she lives in patriarchal society where the people believe women should be submissive to men. That your social status is defined by standard like "whether or not you have husband", then, (if yes), who your husband is, where he works, or how much wealth he posses.

And like most of us probably think, it is so unfortunate because if women do not realize that they have rights, women will never know that their right has been taken from them, that maybe in many occasions they can always choose to say "NO and enough" toward a man who take them for granted.

Therefore, Girl!!! be grateful of all the education you enjoy, the cafe talk you have with other ladies discussing about women's right, the books about women's right that you read, or the environment support you received till you can achieved as much as you want including achieving higher than most of men around you.

Huft!! sorry for writing as if I am luckier and happier than the three-times-married woman.

It is just a relic of my perspective about Indonesian Women, patriarchy, and woman's right!

Special for you "Daughter" from John Mayer who care enough to a daughter around you!!

Read More

2014, Beberapa Baris yang Berdengung

Tahun baru, ada yang memaknainya dengan perayaan kembang api, ada yang memilih perenungan, ada yang memilih kebersamaan dengan keluarga sambil bakar jagung ataupun aneka daging, ada juga yang tertidur lelap menganggap pergantian tahun masehi layaknya pergantian hari Rabu ke Kamis.

Tanggapanku? Manusia itu bermacam-macam, cara mereka meraup rasa bahagia pun macam-macam, aku rasa sebagian besar masyarakat Indonesia merayakan tahun baru karena berbagai sistem dalam kehidupan mendorong mereka seperti itu misalnya sistem penanggalan umum yang digunakan, aktivitas tutup buku pada institusi yang dilaksanakan akhir tahun, godaan akan kemeriahan hiburan , promo akhir tahun dan kembang api di malam tahun baru, juga bonus tahunan dibagikan akhir tahun, mendorong sebagian besar manusia untuk paling tidak bersenang-senang dengan itu melalui liburan, makan bersama keluarga atau membeli kembang api yang indah jika tersulut api untuk menambah sedikit keceriaan. Bukankah pada dasarnya manusia senang akan keceriaan dan kemeriahan, hal yang ditawarkan oleh malam tahun baru. 

Aku? Aku bukan individu yang suka hingar bingar. Hujan malam tahun baru kemarin buatku adalah berkah, karena aku suka hujan, lebih dari malam tahun baru itu sendiri. Lalu diundang makan jagung bakar dan ayam bakar dirumah Bulikku juga merupakan berkah. Perut kenyang tanpa keluar sepeser uang. Moment terpenting dalam malam tanggal 31 Desember itu adalah "Aku memutuskan untuk pindah ke kamar kost" tak lagi numpang di rumah Paklik dan Bulik walaupun aku tahu mereka tak keberatan sama sekali. InsyaAllah aku akan kembali ke meja kerja dalam beberapa hari dan akan kembali mampun membayar sewa kamarku lagi. 

Resolusi? tentu saja aku punya (contradictive  sekali dengan ketidakinginanku untuk merayakan tahun baru, Haha). Resolusiku tahun ini sangat simple secara garis besar aku berharap: 

Mengenai kenangan, (mungkin sangat cliche), beberapa baris kata dari orang-orang yang ada ataupun melintas di hidupku , juga beberapa catatan ku sendiri di sosial media pada tahun 2014 yang masih berdengung dikepalaku adalah yang akan ku bagikan kali ini. 

"Kalau sudah tahu lauk yang kita punya akan berlebih atau tidak ada yang makan, berikan ke anak yatim belakang rumah. Saat kita membiarkan lauk-lauk itu basi dan teronggok di meja sampai esok pagi, mungkin saja mereka sedang makan hanya dengan nasi dan garam" Bapakku

"Semakin tinggi yang kita capai, semakin luas pandangan kita" Usep 
Catatan rollerrelic:  Jadi jangan heran kalau orang yang sukses bisa makin sukses dan yang kaya bisa makin kaya. Mereka mencapai dan memaknai pencapaiannya dengan mencoba melihat lebih jauh lagi, jalan mana lagi yangg harus didaki agar dapat mencapai yang lebih tinggi. Mereka yang miskin dan biasa saja kalau tak coba mendaki wajar saja akan tetap berada ditempatnya.

"Jika saya membantu anak saya mendapatkan pekerjaan atau suatu posisi dengan menggunakan nama saya atau menyuap, itu artinya saya menghina anak saya, merendahkan dia yang sudah bekerja keras untuk meraih kemapuannya saat ini" Jun HM

Kulit boleh menghitam karena terbakar matahari, asal jangan hati yang menghitam karena berlaku tidak jujur.  rollerrelic

"Rezeki itu sudah diatur, dont worry you have done your part, berusaha" Ratna Dewi

"If you cannot find what you are looking for in two minutes, go asking somebody, that will make you effective." Leo Wibisono 

"In career, it is better to kill then to be killed" Sheila  

"Life is composed by plenty of small wonderful things. If a wonderful thing is gone, does not mean your life is not wonderful anymore. It is just a lil bit less wonderful. So don't feel like you have come on the end of your life. It is there and still wonderful. Face it!" rollerrelic

Sebagai kutipan penutup dan juga tamparan jika aku hanya memandangi rencanaku tanpa melakukannya ku harus ingat bahwa 

"Idea is cheap, excellent execution what makes them expensive" Yoris Sebastian. 

Read More