The Three-Times-Married Woman

Patriarchy is an old story in Indonesia family but does not mean it has left its society. The emancipation discourse has continuously spread but for me myself I am not sure whether majority of women are struggling on it for themselves and their daughters, or human - no matter their sexuality, are always a selfish creature with a high tendency of prioritizing pleasure over dignity. In a patriarchal society like Indonesia, you may easily find women who are submissive to men (yes, plural) and easily  be destroyed by the game the men play. In this post, let's talk about a woman that I recently met. She has married for the 3rd time this January. 

In short, right a week before her 3rd married, one of her friend (has known her quiet awhile) reminded her about her divorce decree with her first husband. She, until now, does not hold the court decree. She was divorced through verbal statement and a divorce letter from her husband.  It is still a mystery how the local department can issue her marriage certificate with the 2nd husband although she does not have the divorce decree back then. She further explained that her 1st ex-husband allowed her to marry the second husband if she agreed to sign an agreement. This agreement stated that one day she will give up their only child to his custody. 

Her friend reminded her to settle all the things first; get official divorce decree from the first husband and win child custody at court. At the first time she was sure enough that she wanted to do all that, but she then started making excuses later in the discussion. At the end, she stuck on her plan, marrying the 3rd guy without doing any of her friend advice.

Question crossed my mind.

- Why is she doing this? Married and divorce without really concerning legality. 

- Isn't it bad if later her husband take her son? Is she love her son or not?

- What is in her mind? is it because she just cannot control her desire to have a new husband?

- Is it simply because she does not want to take this seriously because she has ever get away from this once?

- Or she keeps a secret that makes her must marry the 3rd guy soon?

And... I also ask myself 

Why am I so care about this?

Why is it so bothering me?

Is it because I concern about her?

or is it because I am too aware of woman emancipation and translate her decision as a setback that I can hardly accept?

Then, I think I just have to let it go and be happy for her for having a new family and start a new life. That's what friend are for. 

But if I may share my perspective, I would say

1. Women is complex. In our society, women must have strong reluctance. When woman has make a decision related to somebody else, especially that involved the family, the woman will be so reluctant to chance it especially if the family is happy about the choice. So in this case, after the whole family was there in her engagement day, and knowing when the procession will be conducted, the woman will not have a heart to even propose a delay of the wedding day to take care of the legal documents. 

2. The women is not in the capacity of worrying what I worried. Maybe she know less, hence she worry less. She know the definition of emancipation but she is going to work for money and never think of emancipation. It seems to me she never think of women's right, children's right or how cruel a human being is one day till it can take her son from her. The woman was under a believe that life will simply be good enough when there is a husband beside her, no matter what kind of problem it can bring to her life. 

I do want to say that it is because of her ego. But  education must also put a hand on this. Here in our society, if you only went to school up to senior high school, you would be thought as if right is like a wish list of tertiary stuff for yourself. Do not need to understand why you need that, get it if you can or just forget if you cannot. Most of the time it is treated merely as exam material, not an important discourse that is should be address seriously. The result? You know a few of your right and do not even ever think of "how to get it or when I can say that my right is violated?". It is worsen by the fact that she lives in patriarchal society where the people believe women should be submissive to men. That your social status is defined by standard like "whether or not you have husband", then, (if yes), who your husband is, where he works, or how much wealth he posses.

And like most of us probably think, it is so unfortunate because if women do not realize that they have rights, women will never know that their right has been taken from them, that maybe in many occasions they can always choose to say "NO and enough" toward a man who take them for granted.

Therefore, Girl!!! be grateful of all the education you enjoy, the cafe talk you have with other ladies discussing about women's right, the books about women's right that you read, or the environment support you received till you can achieved as much as you want including achieving higher than most of men around you.

Huft!! sorry for writing as if I am luckier and happier than the three-times-married woman.

It is just a relic of my perspective about Indonesian Women, patriarchy, and woman's right!

Special for you "Daughter" from John Mayer who care enough to a daughter around you!!

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